What Matters Most

Some people say, never look back. Look to the future that's ahead of you. That's it, I don't know what the future is unless I'm gifted with powerful extra sensory perception. Unless I'm a prophet. Unless I'm the Oracle. I simply cannot predict how things will turn out for me. Whenever I look back, I realize that every decision I've made, the path I chose to walk on has put me where I am now.

Looking back I realize, I've always tried to live close to my comfort zone. There was never that big risk. The big leap to that next level. It was almost like I always went through the easy path simply because I was sure I could make it. Then it felt like I never moved an inch. If you don't move, if you don't leap, you'll never really get far. And that's exactly how it is.

The biggest risk I took was when I got married. It was borne out of love. The kind of thing you'd want to grow in. Something you'd risk life and limb for the person you promised to love for better or for worse, richer and poorer. Love isn't a guarantee that all will be well and good. I've been in really bad relationships. I always took that risk of falling into something without thinking about it's consequences. It felt good to be in love and no matter how painful it is to lose someone, I never regret going through the process. It's my sadomasochistic way of saying, I bleed for a feel-good love.

My marriage isn't always a bed of roses. I guess some things don't really turn out the way I expect them to be. It doesn't turn out like the story in the movies where there is self-realization in the end, hugging, reconciliation and tearful joys matched with the perfect love song. It's not always like Bridget Jones kissing Marc Darcy in the snow wearing only her knickers. Any woman wants to feel loved and wanted, probably in a different way some men want it. Quoting Carrie Bradshaw in the last season of Sex & the City "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love." But in reality sometimes it goes to be this way. Sometimes you know it's there but you don't feel it. Sometimes you feel it but later conceive it to be something different. There's always something not right. Something askew. And there's always either one of you working harder that the other to pull things together. To prevent things that you've held together from breaking into pieces. It will never be perfect. But what really matters is that you've given your all, your best, all the love you could give until your blood runs dry and nobody would tell you, you messed up. Just that, that you loved.